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So. I'm out of prison now.

This is my only online blog these days, with the loss of the other two. For now. We'll see what happens, but this will be a hell of an entry.

Should it be a catch up? A quick run down of the last 6 months? Ha, quick.
Or about how I feel right now. Like I'm over eating and anxious but overall just ecstatically happy with everything and bustling with self esteem and high hopes. About staying with my guy through the next three years. The overwhelming gratitude I feel towards everyone in my life. Holy shit. Prison. Bootcamp. Corporal Murphy. Corporal Johnson. Corporal Heard, cpl. Davis, cpl. Wood, cpl. Ford, cpl. Scott, cpl. Losacco. Sharfner-Bouchett. Terri, Wendy, Melissa. This fucking sprained wrist. About my self talk, my plans for the next year, the next.

Writing this, I'm on my leash. My tether plugged in for the minimum 2 hours (continuous charge). I can get up to pee in 20 minutes. The internet is good for killing time, even though I killed my facebook. Temporarily? But it had to be done. The extension cord system will allow me to wander very slightly while I charge my ankle bracelet.

Why are we going to Ypsi? I'm...I'm where? What's the name of this place? I'm supposed to be going to boot camp. No, I was sentenced to boot camp, I'm going to SAI.

Nov 10-13th at Oakland County Jail, with not one but two semi-crazy roommates, Prudence and then the one who kept muttering to herself about her Daddy. "I miss you daddy." There or domestic violence charges. Prudence was...impaired driving, I think. Actually very sweet girl. I felt slightly shocked the first time she sat down to pee while we were talking because she didn't give me any warning. But I guess we were standing in the bathroom- it just happened to be our bedroom too. Fucking Lawyer told me it'd be one day but 3 is fair, I'll take it. Just after midnight, they told me I was going to be riding out, so you can imagine how much I slept between then and 8, when we actually left the place, 2 males cops and 13 girls in orange and white stripes in a gigantic white paddy wagon, listening to classic rock on the way. Beat it was the last song I heard before they took us inside, the intake room with the foot prints painted on the floor, the same place they do SAI bootcamp intake but I didn't know it yet.
November 13th-December 28th- Women's Huron Valley Reception and Guidance Center, the intake building, Unit 9. First on quarantine to make sure I don't have TB. About a week on the smelly, star A-wing in a freezing cold room all by myself, occasionally chatting with the gals up and down the hall but mostly trying to sleep and writing in the "journal" they gave me in my newbie packet. I read and reread the info about boot camp. I wrote to my mom. I generally panicked and cried or sat despondently pondering my misfortune. After a week I moved to D-wing, with my fabulous bunkie Melissa. We laughed, we cried, we were forced to dehydrate ourselves due to lack of restroom access. She wass with me just shy of a month before moving down the hall, to be replaced by a young sassy black girl who whispered out loud when she prayed. I was so happy and lucky that neither of them snored. The COs over the loudspeaker irritated us all at all hours, but I was able to make my phone call every 5 days and get an hour in the day room or outside every day. I was sincerely eating very, very little. I slept a lot. I read a lot. I wrote a fair amount as well.
December 28th-February 19th So now I've figured out the bootcamp thing might take a while, and these people moved me to grounds. Kind of scary, Melissa and I had talked about being perfectly happy staying in RGC, I wanted to stay close to the bootcamp wing anyway. But it turned out that after living outside that building, people would be crazy to stay there. Melissa did stay, working in the RGC chow hall. I moved to the baby unit, Calhoun, where the 25 and under program was, as well as a handful of randoms such as myself, and my 3 bunkies, all in a back hall room that was technically a reformed utility closet. I loved those girls, too, especially the blonde skinny sarcastic one, who along with me spent more time in our cell than out in the day room watching BET or playing cards. I did play spades with a cute little ground, scrabble with a select few, Sequence with a girl I knew from RGC. When they let us go outside, I did pretty much every chance I got, regardless of the bitter cold, and speed walked around the track. When I finally got an answer to my kite about weights and aerobics and they added me to the list, when I finally got my job in the big chow hall, when I was getting my commissary goodies, life was pretty livable. Some days were actually quite pleasant. Family sent me mail and books and I could sleep in or get up early and all the prisoners I met I got along with. COs made me cry, being away from people I love made me cry, dropping my toothbrush made me cry. But I did alright, really. Working out by myself, passing out apples or cake, and then later dragging the wheeled food carts to every different unit on grounds. Joining Shakespeare in Prison and developing that crush on a girl named Kat. Trying to convince Brook to do bed crunches with me every time we had to stay put for count. I talked to Tony every single day, he blew so much money on phone calls. My mom visited every Sunday, but she's the only one who ever came. I tried to be understanding about that. Some days I obsessed about SAi, some days I was basically content, adjusting to the weird routine of prison, drinking instant coffee and writing, writing. I showered every other day, I had an ongoing issue trying to borrow the colored pencils, I ate beef jerky and white cheddar popcorn, I used baby powder to try to keep my shoes from getting too smelly in a near-compulsive manner. I got mail pretty much every single day, except weekends when no one got mail.
February 19th...I had set myself the mental deadline of Valentine's Day, and was in a pretty sad place the week following me NOT getting scooped up. But then. A Tuesday morning the CO with the many beautiful wigs, who wrote you a ticket for not making your bed by 8, called me to the desk and told me to pack up and that I was going to boot camp after 11am count. HOLY SHIT. The main emotion was relief, just a flood a relief. And the obvious nervous, excited. I passed out all my stuff to my bunkies and prison friends, drank what I knew would be my last coffee for 3 months. Bounced around with the type of anticipation that is literally indescribable, just...potent.

*I promise I'll come back to this. Boot camp could take days to write about, fer crissake. Wow.
Goddamnit goddammit shit fuck god DAMN. Opendiary died. Disappeared. A few months ago, myspace reformatted and all of my blogs, (or those written after the first 7 years were deleted by some crazy person) were lost forever. And today I discovered opendiary, the first blogging site I've ever known, words of crushes and crazies...oh my god. 13 years of online journals. And to think I believed they'd be safe. Like there's no way things on the internet just disappear. Literally thousands of pages. I wrote about losing my virginity on that site. Haha. About all my self injury struggles. The stupid little tiffs with friends and all the times I've fallen in love SHIT I am heartbroken. Fuck. I'm sure livejournal is next. Fuck. God dammit. I am so sad.

Aug. 28th, 2013

How fitting that I should dream of being trapped beneath a speeding train. Perusing the train yard beforehand, but I can not seem to recall how exactly I got there, laying flat and face up, on the tracks. And the thoughts of, could I roll out quickly enough to avoid being crushed? Probably not. wondering if the next car will be the one with the low hanging spikes to destroy me. So all I can do is wait it out. But I remember then, laying there still and scared, this train wasn't that long. So finally it all passes over and I am free to stand up and wake up.

SO. There's a lot of turmoil in my house right now. And as I insist on shoving my face into others' business, I cannot help but be somewhat involved. Is the train Casey and Chelsea, or is the train the court case? Or a combination, as dreams are wont to have? FUCK. I want to be a good friend, a good person, a person with no felony charges, perhaps an engaged, stupidly smiling person?

Also, my mom is marrying her long-time boyfriend, and I finally got the plamp out of her garage.

The gears are whirring.

up trip 2013 ( mostly unabridged)

We started a bit late on Thursday, heading North after working, getting up early to paint those peoples' house, then I packed while Tony worked on a deck. Stopped at Great Lakes Crossing on the way up, bought white things to tyedye- my AMAZING swim pants, white sports bra, and Tony got a button down since we have a lot of tyedye tees. Ate some cheap asian food at the food court, then back to the road! Fairly enjoyable ride, Tony drove and we had some whipped cream which made it a bit tastier. Made it to the cottage after dark and unloaded, pretty much went right to bed to start the next day bright and early. Quick run in to town for snacks and drinks, then broke into our lunch of portebella mushrooms! And more delicious whipped cream of course. Got stuck standing and waiting in the house for a bit, started feeling silly so we went for a walk. Made it to the bridge and the water looked sooo tempting...I had to jump in! Only half naked, only slightly cold, while Tony basked in the sun. What an amazing feeling. Hidden under the bridge, swimming slowly against the current, river flowing against me, I am SO happy. I could have stayed there forever. Smoked a cigarette gazing downstream, tiny fish nibbling at my toes. Eventually headed back to the cottage to relax, more dessert. This is where I get all wacky,Tony and I start talking about love and marriage and whatnot, had some apple cider and then the fuckin' waterworks started. Convinced my boyfriend is an alien because he is just TOO GOOD to be true. "Is this really just the first day? maybe this is what this trip is about..." good couple hours of that. Then, because our antics on the porch convince me the neighbors are all against us, we retire to the bedroom and pass out. The next day we painted the garage, had some tasty lasagna and garlic bread for dinner, fished and relaxed. The garage was kind of a big job but I know my Aunties will appreciate it. Kinda early to bed, sleeping on the porch of course, and up at dawn (!) for some canoe fishing. Really beautiful out, even when it started raining. I pulled in quite a few of the little guys, I am a lucky fishergirl, Tony managed to have 2 swallow the hook. Came back to finish up the garage, round up all our nonsense and head even further north! A day for Mackinaw city! Did some shopping, tiny Mackinaw Bridge museum above a pizza place, fudge at Alices, of course, a picture with the copper human statue. Tony bought me a (not exactly engagment) ring at Twisted Crystal. Lab opal, sooo pretty. I seem to be a spoiled girl. Spent all day staring at it. We also visited the Michilimackinac Fort, which is something I hadn't done before. Kinda cool, fun poking around. Actually saw Jay and LeeAnn on the way out! Small fuckin' world.
Then, again, driving driving driving. All the way to Grandpa's house, where we chatted for a bit. Gramps let us stay at WANATOSTKADA for the night. That was a sweet situation. Snacked and watched Fight Club, then again, early to bed, early to rise. Now that we're in the U.P. I'm doing most of the driving. We head to Fob's, a restaurant I've been to a dozen times, for some breakfast, then...fortune lake! We're only there for a bit, take some good pictures, soak up some sun and memories, listen to bible songs drift across the red field, smell the cafeteria mix from the dining hall. I was kind of overcome! That place always makes me feel a lot of things. It was hard to leave, but what are we supposed to do there? Pray? hahahha. Ok, so, on to Bond falls! Pictures of course,but it's warm and sunny and we need to find a place to swim! Fill the thermos and head downstream. Kind of a trail, kind of a deer run. Did some tripping around in the water, bashing feet on rocks and then- the falling starts. Had such a good time, but it was more wading than swimming. We found a million, million tiny, tiny toads! That was quite a treat for me. Fell once or twice more, adding to the bruises, on the way back. Let Tony drive us in to Ontonagon. Fun filled teeth cleaning there, Tony impressed my dad by fixing an electrical issue just about as soon as we got there, Dad even missed his meeting for it! Had some tasty homemade enchiladas for dinner, then sunset and bonfire on beautiful Lake Superior. Bed kinda early, had dad make us breakfast before he had to leave for work. Very yummy, but Torv was sleeepy. Drove out to the Porkies, a little rainy but it is a pretty drive. Did the memory lane thing on the way, hit the old house, pointed out Ellen's old place, stopped at that little cave off m64. Lake of the clouds is always beautiful, and then we hit the trails so make it to Mirror Pond. It was a little wet out there, and we forgot our bugspray. Planned on a 7/8 mile hike, a decent stroll in the mountains. Pretty intense hiking, roots and water and mud and bugs, and we had a great time, lots of toads and frogs. Maybe got a little turned around, on about hour 5 and I'm feeling a little sore, tired, grumpy. No stops for resting because the mosquitos were insane. I think we're pretty close until we round a bend and- parking lot, 5mi. Is that .5? Fuck, no. So I still love hiking out in the woods, as alone as we could be, but those last miles were a trek! 13 miles, about 7 1/2 hours in all before we make it back to the car. Only a little worried about the single bottle of powerade we brought in the last little bit. But I do love being up high, in the woods, surrounded by green and my love. Had dinner at Pauls, looking at the spot my parents got married. Terrible service but decent food, and all those memories. Got ice cream at Connies, and that kid- "plenty of nuts in this town". Ha. Back to dad's house for more relaxing, showers and bed. Watched a lot of home improvement TV. Another early night, early morning. Parted from dad and Pam to go have breakfast in Houghton with Liisa.
Food was so tasty! Lots of breakfasts on this trip. Bummed around Houghton a bit, always enjoy Liisa. Hit a couple head shops there and Marquette, back room got raided! So, they are no more. Eh, fuck the police. So. Left that side of the state- we just had to voyage to Munising, for the pictured rocks! Hit lakenenland, of course, a bruise from skeleton man and that convoy of old guys in gators. Another lakeside stop to watch the angry clouds roll in. Stopped to fill up the thermos, and the drive in it started hailing. Bad, bad storm. Watching all the other cars leave. It only took us three trips back and forth from the car, and one bad fall, and one outfit change, one cigarette bummed to a stranger before we finally got on the one mile trail to the lakeshore beach. It was pretty wet. One or two forest bathroom stops and we make it to the lake! Gorgeous, and barely anyone there. We stayed hydrated while digging our own little river, so much fun, and collected about a thousand pretty rocks. Had to do some big lake swimming, Tony hollering at me while I tried (unsuccessfully) to climb atop this slimy big rock. Oh, more bruises. But I had so much fun in that icy water, I alllllmost made it up! More waltzing about collecting rocks. A LOT of rocks. Eventually back to the car, let Tony drive. We had wanted to go camping but it was too wet everywhere. So we just cruised all the way to Lost Lake, a gorgeous hot red sunset behind us, millions of frogs jumping on the road before us. Fun to cross the bridge at night, all lit up.
Had to scare Rob awake to get in to the house, the right to bed. Imagine that, another early morning! Spent all day wandering around the club, drinking redpop, eating button mushrooms and candy rocks. Feeling all crazy when Rob came back from golfing, spent all evening chatting with him and tyedying my sweeeeet pants. Decided I love Rob and love Tony's family. Karen came up that night, and we had club pizza and Tony and I went swimming. Breakfast in town with Karen the next morning, and we worked on painting that wall! Made some taco salad, mmm. And then later Chelsea and Casey came up! Went to a bonfire with more of Tony's family, fell in love with them, too. Oh, and of course, my fall down the hill (the worst one of the trip, even though they warned me it was steep!), and fall into the chair at Jim and Jean's. My memory of that night is particularly fuzzy. Horseback riding the next day, kind of early, then a fine nature watch around the lake. Photographing mushrooms and climbing trees. All of us seemed to have a weird summer cold thing going on, but it didn't last all day. Thank god for medicine. Lots of wandering and giggling, playing on that boingy tire swing. Chelsea and I went swimming together, drove Karen's car to the beach, while the boys did whatever. Started to make dinner with Karen though none of us were very hungry. That was an awkward meal. then the adult went to glow golf so we put our glow gear on and started a bonfire! Sparklers, stars and smiling. A really beautiful time on that hill. Redpop and cream soda. Jim came by for a bit while Chelsea and I were night painting, after much deliberation we headed down to their place. Fun time but those annoying neighbors were there- the guy who kept pissing Jim off and all I wanted to do was cheer him up. Aw well. Back to the house to wind down. The last night of vacation. Made it back the next day for the Guregian family brunch in one piece, still high of my up north joy.

awww vacation.
I'm trying my best not to let anger and self-pity control me this morning. The anger is the real issues, always the issue. The red hot rage directed at specific ideas, specific people, really. It's upsetting because it's like an obsession. My lack of control over my emotions has plagued me as long as I've understood what an emotion was. Depression is basically impossible to kick, but this anger, the overwhelming annoyance...it seems to be taking over. The older I get, the more the 'bad feelings' seem to be anger instead of depression. Or a different kind of depression.

I am unbelievably lucky. I'm not an optimist, anyone who knows me would agree wholeheartedly with that. But I'm not really a pessimist, either. I'm a realist. Yeah it sucks that my ovary burst, but jesus christ, did I seriously get insurance in time for that ER visit?! Miraculous. And I didn't have to have surgery, and it was better in time for my arraignment. And damn if both of my lawyers aren't super handsome. Ahahha...my guy couldn't make it to the arraignment so his partner came. He was the first lawyer there, friendly and calm. The Johnson's lawyer was almost a 1/2 hour late. The lawyer with a 8K retainer, mind you. And here's where the rage starts in because they still owe the guy money, and they want to complain about this fact when they've been spending money...in their way. "We have been budgeting, though!" and it's all I can do not to laugh out loud, because that would be mean, because I do try to be a sensitive friend but the lifestyle they lead...it's harder to ignore when I live with them. Even harder when they owe me money. So I'm trying to keep the anger down to a minimum, but they refuse to take money-saving tips and I can't stand the mood it gives this house. PLEASE let's have a garage sale! I will fucking help you sort through all your shit! PLEASE make some kind of effort instead of blaming the world. The same things happened to Tony and I, and we seem to be managing.

So maybe that seems too angry. That is actually my problem, needing to keep my nose out of other people's business and relax. The same thing happened with ms.laura and DB. I know my friends are old/smart enough to make their own mistakes and learn from them. I know we (myself included) are free to make our own bad choices based on these feelings we have. I need to focus on myself and let people figure out their own damn lives. So that's why it's like an obsession, an anger I don't know how to calm. It's technically not my business, but I'm so sure I can help! If they'd just...listen to me... but they're not my choices to make.

I've always been displeased with the way these two spend money, it should have occurred to me it might get worse when we live together. Even worse when they owe me money.

Maybe writing about it helps, huh? A tiny bit? Or I try to talk to my bestie about it? Or work on my own ignoring skills. Usually this is myspace-style ranting but I was missing LJ today, inspired by some FB friend mentioning it on my feed. hahah...or the old, old school journal?

Like this shit doesn't constantly get me in trouble.
I realize it's March but I never really wrote 2012 down. there are bits and pieces everywhere...but 2012, man. That was a fucking year. Started living with my mom, working at Zoup! I think I was tentatively dating...everyone. Haha not exactly. I was done with Michael I think, Rob and I were dancing around each other, I occasionally slept with Ryan, I was basically dating Jury Boy, and spent some time with Jury Man. Then, Jeff fucking Hunley comes back into my life. I think around March? No, no I may be getting confused...yeah. Back too far. 2012 started with me already dating Jeff, but starting to befriend Tony. Tony directly stole me in probably late February of 2012...not exactly that simple, some going back and forth. But I ended up with Tony I started my new job at Panache in January, and got fired from Zoup! in February. March, I moved to Berkley from the house I had with Tom. And Tom had already moved out at that point? Yaeh, so, so long Livonia/Westland.
And I started that job at Einstein, then shortly after that at Bagger's. Include the occasional long days of trimming, this bitch actually had 4 jobs. The drop in tipshare and long drive (on 696! in rushhour!) to Plymouth had me quitting my Panache job fairly quickly. Fuck that place anyway. But it was an interesting experience. Everyone went to Florida in the early summer, and I got that fucking kidney/bladder infection that, I guess, could have killed me. First big trip to Urgent Care, that stupid high fever that lasted so so long. At least I managed to escape hospitalization? Tony came home early to help save me...thinking of that week sometimes alarms me. The what ifs are kinda big. If he had stayed there, I don't know what would have happened. Maybe it would get bad enough that I'd call my mom to come get me...maybe a coworker would have called me out on being doubled over and crying all the time. Or maybe I would have wimpered alone in bed until my kidney exploded. Anyway. So maybe I'll get better at 'listening to my body'?
And my trip to Green Bay! My little cousin's grad party, and smoking with my boy cousins for the first time! I had such an amazing time, the weather was so nice and I rode a plane all by myself. Ha. And the lying about my flight getting cancelled and then it actually did...flying out to fucking Minnesota so I could lay on an airport floor for 6 hours, waiting for this storm to pass...sitting next to the smelly hung over guy on the trip back to DTW, the guy who insisted marriage was a terrible idea for anyone. Listening to the voicemail of Einstein's firing me for not showing up. I did hate that job though. More than any other job I've ever had.
We had a nice summer, too, the cottage with Chelsea and Casey and the weekend at Lost Lake. They made me a bartender and an LCT at work and really found my niche there.
Then, Tony and I went to Hawaii! The green sand beach, the black sand beach by our place and the sea turtle! The cliffs by the pine forest, the waterfalls, the lava tunnels, lava trees, the lava! That guy in the tent at the beach, who sold us such good stir fry and chronic. All the lizards, the thai restaurant, the horses,the fucking giant manta rays. That nasty giant eel I saw snorkeling not far from the captian cook memorial, even though Tony and I were getting annoyed with each other and I got all dashed against the rocks getting my gear on. Ahhh the hot springs and the hot pond, the many many fish we saw there, exploring the tide pools by the white sand beach, the tiny crabs! I guess trying to break up with Tony and slashing my arm open and going to the ER at 2 am our last night there. Proof the crazies can't be quelled with Paradise. But hot hot sun the whole time and the zoo and the flowers and vines and trees. Coming home was a bummer. But I was quite tan.
Tony and I also went to Chicago to see NFG! That was a pretty perfect trip too. The museums and the walking and seeing Chad smoking a cigarette.
We got arrested like 3 days later.
The year ended quietly, sitting on the couch with Andy and Tony.

We'll see what 2013 has to offer.

(bullshit, so far, by the way)

Feb. 24th, 2012

How much sense does it make to cry into the shoulder of one, about the other. Then, of course, cry to the other about the one. And receive comfort, no less!

Thinking of the way I like to give something up for lent, my mini exercise in self control. But I chose the same 'bad habit' as last year- needless spending- which is simple and cowardly and really I should be practicing it anyway. Give up alcohol, cigarettes, marijuana? Give up sex or candy? Jesus fucking christ, I could never. Troubled by that thought a bit today, as I reminded myself I have that addict blood; though I tend to keep myself in check, it is incredibly possible for me to get stupid with my vices, and I am only 24. But I really just don't want to stop drinking, smoking, eating, fucking.

This is a LJ about being depressed.
Dreams. Always waking up and making up the last few seconds, few moments, days, years. Trying to piece the fuzz and fog back into something solid. It's so rare they form a concise picture, even setting and characters melt as soon as I open my eyes, maybe reminding me later in the day that they've been flailing around my unconscious mind. Today a call from my mom woke me up and I had been dreaming of her. Standing at the bridge by my cottage, staring down into the river, talking about jumping in. I asked her if I'd ever leapt in because I was angry with her. She responded, when I was younger, I took no heed to safe jumping positions, that I didn't care and just jumped in recklessly, all the time.

In reality it's only somewhat true, I think I've only jumped off that bridge once or twice, climbing down to the lower section first. The water is most often to shallow, and it scared me a bit, I suppose. Maybe this summer, if the water is high enough...a real jump!

I dream of up north more often than anything. Places significant to me, my bible camp. My grandparent's house, the beach near my father's house. My cottage, a lot.

Fortune Lake, Black Lake, Lake Superior. I dream of water a lot. Anonymous rivers seem to be a theme, too. Huh. I would actually say more than half of the dreams I remember have a water motif of some kind. I guess that's interesting, as Libras are supposed to be an air sign. I've always felt that was wrong, I've always felt like it should be water. I'm close enough to Scorpio, I guess, but most other things for Libra stick.

I dream of up north even while I'm awake.
I'm often hung up on all the wrong things. Bad at being an adult. Having some trouble with the growing up thing, I guess? I'm getting better! Things like ex-boyfriends' facebooks and the dog food in the fridge and Gator's mood...

I spent 150 bucks on my car today, maybe could have been a lot cheaper or something but I just wanted this shit doe with. I burn a lot of money on 'convenience'. Because I want something close by, because I don't want to exert time or effort or go to more than one stop. I did do some minimal research as far as repair shops go, but ultimately went with Angie's List because it was the closest one. Walked a mile down Warren at 8:30 in the morning. Which maybe for some people is like whatever, but that early and walking? Very odd for me. I took a walk the other day, too. Maybe it's minimal but I never take walks unless I'm going somewhere or exercising a mammal. So it's a good thing. I might try...walking sometimes. Weird. Found a mini-park by my house and the mall is easy walking distance, Gator's would be a perfect bike ride if I had a bike. Being active is supposed to help my health...

My stomach, my esophagus...I eat prilosec, zantec, tums and gas-X like it's my fucking job, and have significantly cut back on cigarette smoking recently. Eventually I will tackle my diet, that's the biggest factor. Beyond being horrified at gaining any weight since starting birth control, I know my life/health/well-being will get so much better if I eat better.

Fuck, being an adult, doing the right thing, making mature rational choices. It's disgusting and I hate it.

I had a ridiculous anxiety attack/ temper tantrum the other night. Out of control, really really hard crying for honestly about 4-5 hours with brief breaks, those weird little muscle spasms or whatever, the inability to sleep while being exhausted. And this thing where I'm 23 and still hurt myself. All these fucking little bruises just from losing all control, I have an awful one on my arm from fucking biting myself- what the FUCK is that? But the days following, my mood has been much, much better. I guess it is just a release, I have to find a way to do that better or in smaller increments, I knew I was stressed or depressed or whatever but it didn't feel...well maybe it did. Pretty fucked up couple of hour's in Grandma's bed, trying not to let any of the boys hear me when it was...fuck.

I'm really not depressed right now. This seems like a venty-bitchy-whiney sort of entry but really I feel pretty good. I'm tired. And very very full from alllll that applebee's with Melissa and Kenz. Writing I guess because...I felt like it? Maybe do some reading and take a fucking nap, cut up some more magazines, visit my favorite reptile personified? I guess I could shower, too, that might be okay.

Hahah, I love you LJ!

Apr. 17th, 2011

Livejournal makes me want to write all angsty but I'm not feeling it. I'm pretty happy. It's not noon yet so the day still has the early morning feel, no one else is awake and it's hazy outside. My cat is wandering about cautiously and my instinct to write has been wild, as of late. This household and my workplace just about demand it. Why isn't my store a reality show yet? Or my house, for that matter?

I'm beginning/continuing this relationship with a roommate I cannot wrap my head around (maybe that's the case with all three of them but we're focusing on the female). This is a friendship, budding, that makes me want to cry all the time. Toys with my desire to be everything to everyone, all the time. I just want everyone to like me, that's always been the case. But I'm having trouble getting over some kind of trust hurdle, I have no real reason for it (except she's maybe a pathological liar) and several of my best friends' opinions. I just feel bad for her while still being intimidated by her. I want her to love me and need me but there's no fucking way the feeling could be fully mutual. Does that make me a bad person? I swear I want to be good. She's just lonely and literally seriously sometimes when we hang out I almost start crying. It's kinda fucked up.

OH, learning more about myself every day.

I have issues typing on a laptop sometimes, it's like I can't find the right position to be in.

"It's totally not cool and I'm not cool with it" I really like the New Adventures of Old Christine.

I write in here so infrequently all I want to do is catch myself up. And try to remember what this journal is for, like I separate certain thoughts for certain blogs but that's not really how it goes. I just desperately want to hold on to memories a little more.

A promise to write more often?

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